How come we never see what we have, but only what we wish we had? How come we are being completely miserable because our life is not exactly how we wanted to be, but cannot be happy for the nice things that we already have? How come the sadness takes over the happiness? Why is that happening and moreover, why do we let it happen?
When I want something I get it! Even if it is right now, or after a year, I always get what I want, if that thing is something that I can change. Look at my grades, my physical shape, my diet, my behavior. I can change those if I want to get the results and I am doing that. But, what about the things we want but we have no power over them? Where does that leave us? I like to believe in destiny and that everything happens for a reason, but at the same time if I want something so bad, for so long, and it is not happening, I cannot be okay with the idea. I cannot stand and watch how other people have what I wished for so long. Call me selfish or whatever, but I’m being honest. Those people don’t even realize that what they have is what others wish for. And no, it’s not about money, or fame, or looks. It’s about having fun, not being alone, about living your life at the fullest, about being young and stupid, about making bad decisions that will lead to good stories, about me in my 20. But, if look deep into my soul, it is also about not having a clue on what I want to do next. I am kidding myself that I have everything figure it out, but I don’t. In fact, I have no idea. I don’t know what I want to be, I don’t know what I like anymore. I don’t know which way to go, so I will focus on school, because at least that scholarship helps me survive. But in the meantime, I have no idea where next. And I don’t know if this is just a phase or something more. I mean, I love writing, but I’m not writing about what I would like to. I would like to have a part-time job, but I could not find one that would make me happy-or just find one. I would like to create something, but I gave up on the jewelry idea, because I cannot do it alone and because honestly it is not that profitable. I was thinking of designing my own clothes, but until I will have my own sewing machine and learn how to use it and how to draw and design, it might take a year. Last year I wanted to because a makeup artist, I even bought a makeup kit…but had no clients and I don’t think I have much of a talent in makeup. I would like to be a model, but hey, I’m just 1, 70 and in Romania is really hard to do anything about it, unless you are willing to be dressed like a whore-which I am not. I don’t even dream of buying clothes. First because I know I cannot afford it, second because I have nowhere to wear them, third because I already have the bare necessities, so why need more?
Where am I going? I don’t know! What do I want? I don’t know! What should I do? I have no idea. But until I figure it out, I will focus on school, cut my hair, do sports, take care of my teeth and be careful with my diet, sleep 8h/day, read and try to stay organized, because if I cannot change the chaos in my soul, at least I can do something about the one in my exterior life.
Any thoughts?
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